these, by the way, are delicious.

mangosteens are by far the most delicious fruit on earth. inside, they are cool and fragrant with delicate white flesh. you can't get them in the states because of some import ban, though i hear they are found sometimes in the backs of shops in Chinatowns here and there.

vomit freckles are so not becoming.

so delicate. tiny capillaries that just couldn't stand up to the strength of retching. they last for at least a day and remind everyone that looks at you of the tortuous acrobatics of your digestive system.

last night was a bit rough. today was slightly better. and now you, internet, can hold onto my woes for me so that my friends are spared the complaining.

tropical diseases are pretty scary. i've been collecting bug bites, so i was sure i had dengue fever last night when at 11pm i felt the headache become a piercing, throbbing heartbeat inside my skull. i couldn't stop shaking. and i can't stand nausea and vomiting, so when that started i got up and stumbled to the radio room. the guards inside were so sweet and let me lie down on the cot while we waited for the nurse. when she took my temperature, she said, "HMM!" and i was startled. it wasn't bad, just a little over 101, but i've never felt such an intense fever.

my eyes were heavy from the headache, but when i closed them i'd see the most fantastical, violent images. i saw myself with the head of a lion and the face of a wolf, and i was biting at a separate figure that was also myself. other times, i saw bright colors and jagged edges dripping with blood. sudden movements, lots of anger. nothing held back.

the nurse gave me a shot to reduce the headache and fever and took some blood for tests. it all came back negative and so i'm fine and already recovering. silvain has been sick repeatedly, and i just feel so bad because i cannot imagine this lasting for days and days. we joke that he is a human shield, protecting us from whatever diseases Indonesia sees fit to throw our way. though somehow, john is the only one who has been entirely safe.

the nurse came to my room twice over the course of the night, the second time with the doctor. they both came back to check on me again today. matt sent bottles and bottles of water, and kat made me noodles and tea. i'm really feeling quite loved. nealin says that we are like a sitcom where all the main ensemble actors interact only with each other except for a cameo now and again of some little known but slightly recognizable person.

i want to say "I LOVE YOU GUYS!" but i think that sort of thing is only appropriate when you're drunk. someday soon enough.

je me souviens

the day is hot and bright and wet all at once and puts you into a glorious slumber. i remember being little and sitting in the passenger's seat of my grandmother's skin-colored tank of a car as we drove to the bank. so hot inside that we were practically breathing in liquid, there was nothing better. i'd be handed a green lollipop (flavor still unknown), and my grandmother would tell stories about the trials of youth in Evergreen, Louisiana. learning to drive at 13, shorts only for tennis, skimming curds off the top of the cream. i miss my grandmother. she still spins a tale like a proper Irish dame.

i am leaving Aceh a week from tomorrow. i can hardly believe it.. the calendar is full of engagements. dinner this night, and this, and meetings here and there.

the airline tickets are all bought. here is the tentative schedule:

2 august
Banda Aceh -> Medan -> Kuala Lumpur

3 august
meet duc in KL and have loads of adventures in Malaysia for seven days. these will surely include exotic animals, beaches, and shopping.

10 august
Kuala Lumpur -> Bangkok

13 august
Bangkok -> Tokyo

14 august
Tokyo -> Dulles

tonight, a friend said...

"i hope your dreams are user friendly."

sabang

a few weeks ago, we ventured out to Pulau Weh, an island off the coast of Aceh that is commonly referred to as Sabang. all the same rules apply, but enforcement is quite a bit lax. we lazed around on the beach and snorkeled and i swear to god i saw a barracuda and almost swallowed half the ocean swimming back.

we spent the first night at Gapang beach (first two pictures) and the second night at Iboh (the third picture). Iboh used to be sort of a backpacker hang-out but since the tsunami, it's mostly visited by NGO staff looking for a break from work.

Iboh is also home to a woman named Mama. Mama has these daughters who wear short dresses (scandalous!) and flirt. with everything. viciously. if no one has ever flirted with you viciously, you are missing out on what i'm learning is a very important life skill - namely, deflecting vicious and unwanted flirting. the narrowing eyes, the your-boyfriend-doesn't-need-to-know argument (good one, that. very convincing) and the ambiguity that surrounds every encounter until you are backed into a corner. i can't handle it, i am so annoyed.

i'm learning what the "development community" really consists of and that is aging men with an agenda that i want nothing to do with. if one more man sits down at my table all innocent-like and then launches into explaining how he is going to show me a good time or how he's glad my boyfriend doesn't monitor my email because he wouldn't want anyone seeing what he's going to send me (no kidding, this really happened), i am going to quit what i am doing and switch to knitting. jesus, i could knit some really hot leg warmers and not have to deal with this shit.

i fully get that people are lonely and this inspires some degree of pity, but people! there are better ways! if it is that bad, why do you not just go home? you do not have to do this for a living.

anyway, this island really does melt your troubles into tiny puddles of distant memory. the ferry takes about an hour and while the lapping of waves on the beach might imply that the entire ocean is a sapphire, the open sea is a pock-marked bruise hiding anger just below its surface. so placative as we're thrashing about in this boat, so turbulent when a storm rolls in. you can feel the strength of the sea and the wind being here. i've never felt nor heard wind so violent as this. i can't even count the number of times i've woken up at night imagining an earthquake as the doors shake and the frame of my room trembles. i've only felt one actual earthquake while i've been here, and someone had to point it out.

the drive from the ferry to Iboh is about an hour. on the way there, we met this guy and 20 of his closest friends and family. after sitting on the side of the road and looking cute for about 5 minutes, he became crazed and charged the car and looked right at me as though he had drawn a bullseye around my head. still, so cute.

doodling

in the late afternoon of yesterday, i took a few minutes to draw this hypercube on the white board:

ennui

my leg is enraged and covered with little whispering mounds that call out, "SCRATCH! now over THERE! ha. we've got you now. no sleep for you tonight."

i know that sounds so terribly attractive. the way i'm dealing with it is to pretend that my leg is actually a foreign object bearing no relation to my body whatsoever. i can abuse it or ignore it as i like.

i spent the last weekend lazing by the pool of this swiss hotel in town where they hold conferences from time to time. it is the only place of its kind around here, and it was quite nice to cool off in a bathing suit without having to wear my clothes into the sea.

es la isla bonita que duele

of all the things that we see, i believe that we see ourselves the most and that we distort ourselves the most. someone said to me that people tend to spend their time comparing their insides to other people's outsides. how can we not have an impure view?

i have been quiet lately, but it is not for lack of perplexing and illustrative thoughts. i keep wondering if i should know my place out of comfort or out of challenge. i am somewhere else. i don't feel strapped to the ground being here... instead the world is full of untenable possibilities. and limits and rules and radio call signs and cars with drivers and a routine that makes hardly any sense at all.

luca is gone, and we've been on our own in the evenings. his farewell was outrageous in that we spent half the night in the bar singing songs we barely knew and laughing loudly, which is something we tend to do. he's left us quite a supply. capers and bleu cheese and genoa salami and a touch of pate that i crave nearly every evening. here, you close your eyes and the wine flows freely and you know that it shouldn't, but it does.

tonight, we watched volver in the movie room (a sauna) with a few friends that we met while traveling a few weeks ago. i'm suddenly feeling that i am equally as useless as i am necessary - a scary thought. i believe i have just three weeks left before i leave, and i have a checklist running through my mind that constantly doubles back and repeats at four times the velocity. but i am calm and not on my own, though i am on my own, as always.

duc and i have decided to meet in kuala lumpur on august 3. we'll see what happens from there.